my heart goes out

My friend just found out that her seven year old daughter has spina bifida. That was the worst email I've ever had to read, as I'm sure it was the worst one she's ever had to write. I'm at a loss for words. Reading that email brought back so many memories and emotions from when Jake was born and everything we've been through since that wonderful and scary day. This has rekindled my interest in putting my experiences of raising a child with spina bifida into words. I started a blog called Raising Jake a while ago. I had planned to start our story, his story, from the day I found out I was carrying a child with spina bifida to present. A huge project to say the least. I think the reason I haven't done anything with this blog is mainly because I'm afraid to let those feelings and fears resurface. Just thinking about it, I remember the smells, the sounds, and the tightness in my throat. I remember sitting in the doctor's office after the conclusive ultrasound clenching my teeth, blinking wildly, and breathing irregularly just to hold back the tears. I remember thinking "Not me, this can't be happening to me and certainly not to my baby". I imagine that is how my friend feels right now. Even though I've been through it with Jacob, I feel like I don't know what to do for her. I don't know what to say or how to act. Part of me wants to say I'm sorry even though I know from being in her shoes that the words "I'm sorry" hurt. Bad.

My heart is aching all over again.