some tlc for the home

We've been busy landscaping this spring. Last year we clear cut our entire front yard, eliminating all the 60s style shrubs and an old crab apple tree. I figured I'd share a few photos to show off our work. When I find the picture of the house in it's original state, I'll edit this post with it to paint the whole picture.

After we clear cut - raised flower beds in the making:

Finished flower beds and the beginning of a lawn:

After Chris planted the Dogwood tree:

In the flower beds under the windows: holly, mini rhododendron - blooming purple, hydrangea - endless summer's blushing bride, boxwood, hostas, creeping phlox - alternating white and purple.

We designed the flower beds, and picked out our plants with someone at our local nursery, and Chris did all the grunt work. He even picked up the plants and planted them all while I was at work one day to surprise me when I got home.

The Great American Pastime

No, I'm not talking about baseball, ball park franks, or cracker jacks. I'm talking about the other great American pastime - DEBT. Americans watch their credit scores about as often as they tune into their favorite sports team. Debt has become the American way.

When I worked retail I found it amazing how many people would open a store card just to save a whole 10% on their purchase. No one ever asked what the interest rate was. Easy points for the store employee who is competing for the most cards opened. After working just one week I could tell who would open a card just by looking at them, deciding whether or not to waste my breath. Soon there after, I learned never to ask a foreigner. They won't do it. They are much to smart with their money.

We Americans - not so much. Want that car? Finance it. Want that house? Finance it. Want to take a vacation? No problem - No Interest, No Payments for 12mos. You get the point. Almost every store you go into in the mall has their own card and their own gimmick.

A related topic: College Tuition.

I've almost recovered from the heart attack I suffered after figuring out how much money I will have wrapped up in student loans when I graduate. Almost. I can't believe how much I'll be paying toward my loans for the first five years of my career. Almost my entire paycheck!!! Now tell me that I won't be absolutely miserable sending that check out each month. It just about equates to being an intern for five years. Wonderful. While I say that I've almost recovered from the heart attack, Chris hasn't. He's a number cruncher, that's just what he does. Having said that, I've heard every which way my hypothetical paycheck will be devoured. How depressing. Today is one of those days where I want to stand on our front lawn waving a white flag.

I surrender.

first haircut

I brought Madison for her first haircut today. It was time since her hair was starting to look a little stringy. I wanted Chris to go with me but he refused, finding other things to do around the house instead. I was really upset that he didn't think her first haircut was important! Anyway, she did great and I'm pretty happy with the results:

After I got her home I realized that I should have asked the girl to take a couple more inches off. Either way, It's a huge improvement. I just can't believe she's not a baby anymore!

back in the swing

So after a whole 6 days of vacation, I'm back at school. I can't believe summer was so short ;)

To top it off, Olivia figured she'd welcome me back to the hectic lifestyle by staying up all night. Poor thing had a high fever. I still don't know what was bothering her but I know she wasn't happy about it. While brushing my teeth before bed, I heard her whimpering (this is where I mutter "wonderful" with a mouth full of toothpaste). I figured I could give her the binkie and all would be good. Not so much. What was suppose to be a five second fix turned into an all nighter. Chris and I stayed up in shifts. I stayed up until 4:45a when I finally passed her off.

Chris complained that I took the "easy" time and next time he's taking the first shift. In all my exhaustion, I felt like kicking him. Yeah, I had the "easier" time since I did the bath, the rocking, the swaying, the dancing, the shhhh-ing, the massage, the bottle, the diaper changes (yes, there were multiple) - which led to multiple pj changes, etc. That was so much easier than changing her diaper once before walking down 12 stairs, lifting the blanket on the couch, slipping beneath it, and falling asleep. Whew...that was tiresome buddy!

i'm a jerk

I tried to remember to call him, I really did. I meant to call him on Sunday but it was Mother's Day. Then I meant to call yesterday but we spent the entire day in and out of Doctor's appointments. I can't believe I screwed up so bad.

I called my uncle a couple of weeks ago in a panic because I need to renew my CPR certification in order to remain in the nursing program. The card has to be in their hands by June 1st. I called my uncle because he helped me out the last time since he is a firefighter and has connections with CPR instructors. This time, he had to do some finangling in order to help me out. It took two days to get a date and time for my test. It was for 5/13 @ 7p

The other day I discovered a little league challenger team nearby. Chris spoke to the coach who told us to attend their upcoming game on Tuesday, 5/13 @ 6p. Shit. Because this meant so much to me to see Jacob playing a sport he loves, I ran up to work and ended up getting certified there so I could make Jake's dream a reality. I was trying to be a good Mommy. I ended up being a horrible niece.

Because I didn't get a chance to call him before, I swore I would call him this morning after breakfast. Well he beat me to it. He called as I was getting out of the shower to remind me about my certification tonight. Probably to make sure I didn't no-show making him look like a jerk. Instead, I'm the jerk. I told him the whole story and all I got was short answers and an excuse to get off the phone. I deserve that.

Why can't I make anyone happy?

Although I didn't go about it the right way, I really thought that what I was doing was right. I still do. My child and his happiness comes first. I wish instead of being angry with me, he'd say to himself "there's a dedicated Mom".

Now my whole day is ruined because I'm the type of person who will beat myself up over it well after everyone else has forgotten. I've done this my whole life. I've tried to be the person who doesn't care. I've failed miserably at each attempt. I even bought a new pair of glasses without anyone's input. I held my head high and felt great about my choice - until I got home. Chris looked at me and sighed heavily, my best friend stared at them and didn't say a word, and my Dad voiced his disapproval. I tried really hard not to care what others thought but I failed. I am now so self conscious about my glasses that I only wear them around the house.

Why is it that the person who tries so hard to please people ends up pleasing no one?

my heart goes out

My friend just found out that her seven year old daughter has spina bifida. That was the worst email I've ever had to read, as I'm sure it was the worst one she's ever had to write. I'm at a loss for words. Reading that email brought back so many memories and emotions from when Jake was born and everything we've been through since that wonderful and scary day. This has rekindled my interest in putting my experiences of raising a child with spina bifida into words. I started a blog called Raising Jake a while ago. I had planned to start our story, his story, from the day I found out I was carrying a child with spina bifida to present. A huge project to say the least. I think the reason I haven't done anything with this blog is mainly because I'm afraid to let those feelings and fears resurface. Just thinking about it, I remember the smells, the sounds, and the tightness in my throat. I remember sitting in the doctor's office after the conclusive ultrasound clenching my teeth, blinking wildly, and breathing irregularly just to hold back the tears. I remember thinking "Not me, this can't be happening to me and certainly not to my baby". I imagine that is how my friend feels right now. Even though I've been through it with Jacob, I feel like I don't know what to do for her. I don't know what to say or how to act. Part of me wants to say I'm sorry even though I know from being in her shoes that the words "I'm sorry" hurt. Bad.

My heart is aching all over again.

jake update

We went to spina bifida clinic today for Jacob's 6mo check up. Thankfully, we got nothing but good news today. Everything looks great and there are no surgeries on the books in the near future. We are truly thankful. We have to return for a urodynamics study in the next couple weeks but expect this to be a routine check. While we were there we were able to switch his bedtime medication to a capsule that we'll break open and sprinkle on his food. He had been on a liquid but the flavor of this medication is famously strong and hard to choke down. It was making Jacob gag, cry, and come up with some pretty interesting excuses to get out of taking it. Not to mention how hard bedtime had become.

sending some love

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mommies out there. More importantly a special "thank you" to all the Moms I have grown to love and respect. I don't know what I would do with out you guys. Thank you for listening to me complain, offer advice when I need it, support me, pick me up when I'm down, and most of all thanks for being you!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

what i've been up to:

I've been busy making invites for Livi's first birthday. I'm pretty happy with how they came out except for the fact that I can't make a pretty bow to save my soul. It's pretty pathetic actually. I found it kind of relaxing to craft something. It was a nice change of pace for me and I haven't been able to do anything creative in a long time. Here's a sample:

The color scheme works is perfect because I bought Olivia and Madison dresses from Gymboree around Easter time that are brown, pink, and cream. Because it was so cold on Easter, I didn't end up putting them in the dresses but promised Chris that I didn't waste the money and would find another use for them. I just didn't want to return them because they really are beautiful dresses. We plan to bring the kids to get their pictures taken this week so I'm going to do one for Olivia's first birthday while we're there. I plan to put her in the dress and use the pictures for the thank you cards. I wonder if that is enough "use" for Chris?! :)

I can't believe my little Livi Bug is going to be 1.

Stupid BMI

I went to the doctor today to get a copy of my immunization record and have my TB test read. While I'm sitting there on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, I notice a strategically placed BMI chart. I placed on finger on my weight and another on my height and traced the two until they met...in the "overweight" section. I swear that chart was made by a skinny bitch. Seriously, I was probably my ideal weight freshman year in high school, when I hardly ate much of anything. Now that I've had three kids, my "ideal" weight is anything that doesn't offend others. Thanks for a great start to my awesome day of "what the hell".

And just to add to my wonderful day: my teeth hurt. Chris and I went and got our first invisalign retainers today. It sounded like a good idea at the time - not so much anymore. I have to say that this might be the key to loosing all that baby weight since it's such a pain to eat anything. The first three attempts at eating today failed miserably because I couldn't get the stupid retainers out.

Here's the updates:

Olivia had her weight check yesterday. Looks like formula is working for her, a little. She's only gained 1 1/2 lbs and still occupies the same spot on the growth chart - around 5th percentile. She's just a peanut. I tried telling the pediatrician this at our last appointment when he demanded that I stop breastfeeding right then and there. He didn't listen. Instead, he made me feel like a horrible mother and a failure. As he was explaining the chart to me and where she stood at present, he said "looks like we just have a little one on our hands". Duh. Whatever dude. You just ruined a perfectly good and comfortable nursing relationship between me and my last baby and all you have to say is that I was right in the first place. Makes me want to cry.

As for Project Organization, we're done. Well almost. We skipped the basement since we really can't do anything down there until the termites vacate the premises. We expect to be able to organize down there by the end of next month. It feels really good to have a clean and organized house.

We're also in the process of signing Jacob up for a little league challenge team for children with disabilities. He is the biggest sports fan ever. He has been bugging me to sign him up for baseball, basketball, and soccer for the longest time. I haven't been able to find anything that he can play until recently. It breaks my heart as a mother to know that he'll never get a chance to play the sports he loves like the other kids. I'm still on the hunt for a wheelchair basketball team since his chair will be in soon but I haven't been able to find anything around here. I just want to see him happy, proud of himself and his accomplishments. He truly is my hero.

What a crazy post.

new tricks

Olivia crawled for the first time today!!!

let's celebrate!

Finals are over! The best part: I survived!

My poor neglected blog will finally get some attention now that I have a little free time. Stay tuned.

these shoes were made for walking...

Livi's first shoes: