finals week(s)

It's that time again! I have been very neglectful of my blog because all my attention has been on my kids, studying, work, and Chris. Yup, in that order too. Notice my house was not on the list of attention getters. Because the house has joined the blog on the "neglected list" you can only imagine what it looks like with three kids running around, two dogs, and a cat - plus we're dog sitting this week so add another dog into the mix. Sure, why not, right?

Microbiology is kicking my butt. I have spent my entire summer studying and stressing and I still might have to retake it next summer which would mess up my nursing clinicals next semester. I want to rip my hair out in large chunks thinking about wasting another summer on this crap. The worst part is that if I don't get the B- I need, I will have only missed it by a point or two at the most. I am so close, yet so far away!

The kids are doing well. Olivia is not yet walking. I brought Madison to get her hair cut really short last week and I thought Chris was never going to talk to me again - although lately that would be a blessing. Madison asked for it short and I allowed it because it's just hair and it'll grow back. It came out really cute! I'll post pictures on my photoblog later. Jacob is gearing up for first grade and we're going shopping for school clothes this weekend. My baby is growing up!

My surgery is coming up (next Friday) and I'm scared to death! All this studying has really helped to keep my mind off of it (kind of).

Stay tuned for grade updates, kid updates, and surgery updates!

work gripe

I called work to let them know about my surgery date. The new schedule had come out and I am scheduled to work August 9th and 10th. Since this interferes with my surgery, I started trying to find coverage for the weekend. I called five coworkers before reaching someone who agreed to take my shifts for me. Immediately after hanging up the phone, I emailed my supervisor to give her the heads up of the schedule change. I breathed a sigh of relief and went to bed.

I woke up this morning and checked my email to see if my supervisor had gotten back to me yet - she had not. I was making lunch when I heard the pinging of my laptop alerting me of a new email. It was an email from my supervisor saying that the coverage I found was not acceptable and I'd need to find an alternative.

Since I exhausted all my options in my first attempt, I'm not sure how I'm going to find a suitable solution the second time around. I'm so frustrated.

consult

I went to my consult. I was incredibly nervous but thankfully the surgeon was very nice and put my mind at ease. Chris and I have been discussing the pros and cons and I think we've finally come to a decision we are both satisfied with. My surgery will be August 8th. This will give me three solid weeks of recovery before returning to school in September. I am crossing my fingers that this will be enough time for me to get back to normal since that is all the time I have to recover.

update

or lack there of. I have been in a major funk lately. Nothing seems to be going right and I'm having a hard time accepting things for what they are. I've been pretty down and it's really taking a toll.

Even though I haven't been posting here, I've been trying to keep my photoblog updated (as much as possible). If you decide to check out my photoblog, please note that it is open to my family and IRL friends and I'd like to keep them far away from this blog. I just feel like I'd lose my ability to write freely if they were reading and commenting here. I'm weird and openly admit it.

In other news, Chris and I have decided that our family is going organic and I started weight watchers.

What a random post.

it pours

I brought Olivia for her 1yr check-up this morning. We had the worst nurse ever - she rivals Nurse Ratched. She asked me lay Olivia down on the table so she could measure her head. I warned her that she hates her head touched and has an independent mind lately. I offered to hold her in my arms upright and she could sneak the measurement of her head just like the other nurses in the office have done in the past. She refused and instructed me to lay her down on the table. Of course, Olivia freaked out - shaking her head back and forth and waving her hands. I tried holding her still the best I could only to hear the nurse say "Um, Mom - could you do something to hold her still? I can't do everything! I'm not Supernurse!" Clearly. She finally got her head measurement and did a quick length measurement but it was shotty at best. She didn't stretch her heals or try to get her body in a straight line. Olivia was 28in long by her measurements. We then go into the hallway to get her weight. The nurse attempted to zero the scale but didn't place the pad on the scale first. I had to ask her to zero the scale again before placing Olivia on it. Olivia weighed 18 lbs even. We go back to the room to wait for the pediatrician where we waited for at least 15mins. When the pediatrician came in she immediately got to work. She first addressed Olivia's skin tone noting its orange-yellow appearance. It has been this color long before she started eating carrots, sweet potatoes, and squash. The pediatrician said to watch the whites of her eyes for any yellow coloring since this could indicate a liver problem. She then shows me the weight and height charts and points to the dots slightly off the chart that represent where Olivia stands. She said her weight was acceptable since babies tend to lose or plateau when they become more active but she was concerned with the fact that her height had declined slightly. She suggested that Olivia might have a thyroid or growth hormone issue going on that would explain her slow growth. I couldn't believe it! What else could go wrong in one appointment? The pediatrician suggested that we wait three months until her next appointment and recheck her height. If it's still an issue we'd get her thyroid and growth hormone checked with a blood test. Because we are going through this with Jake, I requested that we have the blood test done before leaving the office. Olivia got three shots which left welts and blood stains on her clothes. We then headed down to the lab to get her blood drawn. My poor girl was stuck four times before we left the building.

When we finally got home I made her a bottle and cuddled with her on the couch until she fell asleep on my chest. She was so peaceful in my arms after such a stressful morning. I placed my lips on her forehead for a minute breathing in her sweet smell. For these short moments my baby was safe with me.

when it rains

I went into Jake's room this afternoon to tell him that rest time was over and found him passed out. Never a good sign. Sure enough, when my little man emerged from his room his face was pale and he was whining about his belly and his head. Little bugger is sick. It figures! I had class tonight, and for the next 24hrs I'll have my nose in my microbiology book studying for an exam tomorrow night. As I was leaving for class tonight, Jake asked me to stay home and sit with him. Practically broke my heart. I told him that I had to go to class but would check on him when I got home. I felt so guilty for leaving him. I shouldn't be going to school right now, I should be home with my babies. I should be reading them bedtime stories and kissing them goodnight. When I got to class I explained to my professor that I had a sick child at home and asked if I could be excused from lecture after our quiz. He agreed and I was able to make it home just as Jake was going to bed. I read a couple of chapters of Jigsaw Jones and kissed his forehead. Thankfully, his fever is coming down with the help of some Motrin. I just hope his belly feels better tomorrow.

practice doesn't make perfect

I take my camera out at least once a day. After annoying my children with the lens in their face, I quickly plug my camera into my computer to see what I've done. Each day it's the same pictures, different outfits, different problems. I get frustrated and put the camera away vowing never to touch it again. Then I look at pictures taken by Michelle, Girl, and Krysten whose talents inspire me and frustrate me all at the same time. I get lost in their work and think that if I work hard, I too, will be able to call photography a talent of mine. Not so. I pick up the camera and start taking more pictures hoping to create something worth showing off. No such luck. Although I haven't given up yet, part of me wonders when I'll realize that I'll never be good enough. I laugh because we went out and bought a decent camera, a few lenses, and the accessories, to take better, higher quality pictures. I'm frustrated. I'm sitting here treading water in the ocean of photography and while I'm not exactly sinking, I'm not swimming either. I hope that I'm half as good as Michelle, Girl, and Krysten one day. They are truly amazing. While I aspire to be amazing someday, I'd settle for 'average' in a flash.

zoo reviews: Little Tikes Crashing Waves Waterslide

(photo from Walmart.com)

I bought this for Olivia's birthday party since it was 96* and we had a TON of kids coming. My parents haven't opened their pool yet so we needed a way to keep the kids cool. I ventured out to ToysRus but they didn't have anything in the same price range that Jacob could be independent on. By "independent" I mean utilize it the same way other children his age would rather than relying on someone to get him around the contraption. I wanted him to feel "free" to play and have fun with the other kids. Anyway - I didn't see anything at ToysRus so I stopped at Walmart on my way home to find this slide by Little Tikes.

Even though Chris wasn't happy with the price tag, he was thrilled with it once he saw how easy it was to set up and take down. He also apologized for giving me a hard time about it once he realized how miserable all the kids would have been without it. Miserable kids = miserable adults.

After everyone left, Chris and I got into our bathing suits and played in the water with Jake and Madison. We were able to go down the slide too even though the box says it's for ages 5-10. My first thought was "Umm...could you be more specific? Are we talking an American 10yr old or a Chinese 10yr old - because there is a difference!" Once we opened it up we pulled out the directions which state that the slide will hold up to 350lbs at any given moment. We had a blast!!

Zoo Review - 5 Bananas

Retails for $349 - $399 at Walmart
Set Up: 3 minutes or less
Pick Up: Once dried, 10 minutes to fold up and store
Pros: Parents can play with kids if under the weight limit, hours of fun, the pool is shallow enough for our 1yr old to stand it, Easy to use, convenient carry bag for storage and transporting
Cons: Price, because of constant water feed for slide and water gun - water in the pool doesn't warm up much.
Overall: We'll be using it a lot this summer when we can't get to the beach or when we have playdates. We love it!!!!

On a side note: Don't try to pick the box up by yourself! I have plenty of bruises to show for my many failed attempts to get the box in my cart. Our Walmart isn't known for their helpful employees.

one beautiful year!

One year ago I held you in my arms and cried over your beauty. I couldn't believe you were all mine. When the nurse had to take you back to the nursery to take your vital signs and give you your first bath, I sat there counting the minutes that passed while you were gone. When I couldn't take it anymore, I sent Daddy to get you and bring you back to me. Being the best Daddy ever, he did just that. He placed you back in my arms where you stayed until your many visitors arrived.

When we brought you home, you were still napping in your seat. You had fallen asleep in the five minutes it takes to get from the hospital to the house. You came into the house peaceful, quiet, and calm and that's how it has been ever since (for the most part).

It has been an amazing year and I can't imagine my life without you. So, Happy 1st Birthday my little "Livi Bug"! I love you sweet baby girl - more than I could ever express in words.

the other woman

Chris plays xbox pretty regularly. I've never really minded as long as it doesn't interfere with things that need to be done. In order for him to play his favorite game (GTA), the kids have to be in bed AND asleep. I've joked that once the kids go to bed, I come second to the xbox. That was a joke until I got shhhh'd tonight so he could hear what his GTA girlfriend was saying!

I'm planning a bonfire - I'm curious to see how fast the xbox will burn.

some tlc for the home

We've been busy landscaping this spring. Last year we clear cut our entire front yard, eliminating all the 60s style shrubs and an old crab apple tree. I figured I'd share a few photos to show off our work. When I find the picture of the house in it's original state, I'll edit this post with it to paint the whole picture.

After we clear cut - raised flower beds in the making:

Finished flower beds and the beginning of a lawn:

After Chris planted the Dogwood tree:

In the flower beds under the windows: holly, mini rhododendron - blooming purple, hydrangea - endless summer's blushing bride, boxwood, hostas, creeping phlox - alternating white and purple.

We designed the flower beds, and picked out our plants with someone at our local nursery, and Chris did all the grunt work. He even picked up the plants and planted them all while I was at work one day to surprise me when I got home.

The Great American Pastime

No, I'm not talking about baseball, ball park franks, or cracker jacks. I'm talking about the other great American pastime - DEBT. Americans watch their credit scores about as often as they tune into their favorite sports team. Debt has become the American way.

When I worked retail I found it amazing how many people would open a store card just to save a whole 10% on their purchase. No one ever asked what the interest rate was. Easy points for the store employee who is competing for the most cards opened. After working just one week I could tell who would open a card just by looking at them, deciding whether or not to waste my breath. Soon there after, I learned never to ask a foreigner. They won't do it. They are much to smart with their money.

We Americans - not so much. Want that car? Finance it. Want that house? Finance it. Want to take a vacation? No problem - No Interest, No Payments for 12mos. You get the point. Almost every store you go into in the mall has their own card and their own gimmick.

A related topic: College Tuition.

I've almost recovered from the heart attack I suffered after figuring out how much money I will have wrapped up in student loans when I graduate. Almost. I can't believe how much I'll be paying toward my loans for the first five years of my career. Almost my entire paycheck!!! Now tell me that I won't be absolutely miserable sending that check out each month. It just about equates to being an intern for five years. Wonderful. While I say that I've almost recovered from the heart attack, Chris hasn't. He's a number cruncher, that's just what he does. Having said that, I've heard every which way my hypothetical paycheck will be devoured. How depressing. Today is one of those days where I want to stand on our front lawn waving a white flag.

I surrender.

first haircut

I brought Madison for her first haircut today. It was time since her hair was starting to look a little stringy. I wanted Chris to go with me but he refused, finding other things to do around the house instead. I was really upset that he didn't think her first haircut was important! Anyway, she did great and I'm pretty happy with the results:

After I got her home I realized that I should have asked the girl to take a couple more inches off. Either way, It's a huge improvement. I just can't believe she's not a baby anymore!

back in the swing

So after a whole 6 days of vacation, I'm back at school. I can't believe summer was so short ;)

To top it off, Olivia figured she'd welcome me back to the hectic lifestyle by staying up all night. Poor thing had a high fever. I still don't know what was bothering her but I know she wasn't happy about it. While brushing my teeth before bed, I heard her whimpering (this is where I mutter "wonderful" with a mouth full of toothpaste). I figured I could give her the binkie and all would be good. Not so much. What was suppose to be a five second fix turned into an all nighter. Chris and I stayed up in shifts. I stayed up until 4:45a when I finally passed her off.

Chris complained that I took the "easy" time and next time he's taking the first shift. In all my exhaustion, I felt like kicking him. Yeah, I had the "easier" time since I did the bath, the rocking, the swaying, the dancing, the shhhh-ing, the massage, the bottle, the diaper changes (yes, there were multiple) - which led to multiple pj changes, etc. That was so much easier than changing her diaper once before walking down 12 stairs, lifting the blanket on the couch, slipping beneath it, and falling asleep. Whew...that was tiresome buddy!

i'm a jerk

I tried to remember to call him, I really did. I meant to call him on Sunday but it was Mother's Day. Then I meant to call yesterday but we spent the entire day in and out of Doctor's appointments. I can't believe I screwed up so bad.

I called my uncle a couple of weeks ago in a panic because I need to renew my CPR certification in order to remain in the nursing program. The card has to be in their hands by June 1st. I called my uncle because he helped me out the last time since he is a firefighter and has connections with CPR instructors. This time, he had to do some finangling in order to help me out. It took two days to get a date and time for my test. It was for 5/13 @ 7p

The other day I discovered a little league challenger team nearby. Chris spoke to the coach who told us to attend their upcoming game on Tuesday, 5/13 @ 6p. Shit. Because this meant so much to me to see Jacob playing a sport he loves, I ran up to work and ended up getting certified there so I could make Jake's dream a reality. I was trying to be a good Mommy. I ended up being a horrible niece.

Because I didn't get a chance to call him before, I swore I would call him this morning after breakfast. Well he beat me to it. He called as I was getting out of the shower to remind me about my certification tonight. Probably to make sure I didn't no-show making him look like a jerk. Instead, I'm the jerk. I told him the whole story and all I got was short answers and an excuse to get off the phone. I deserve that.

Why can't I make anyone happy?

Although I didn't go about it the right way, I really thought that what I was doing was right. I still do. My child and his happiness comes first. I wish instead of being angry with me, he'd say to himself "there's a dedicated Mom".

Now my whole day is ruined because I'm the type of person who will beat myself up over it well after everyone else has forgotten. I've done this my whole life. I've tried to be the person who doesn't care. I've failed miserably at each attempt. I even bought a new pair of glasses without anyone's input. I held my head high and felt great about my choice - until I got home. Chris looked at me and sighed heavily, my best friend stared at them and didn't say a word, and my Dad voiced his disapproval. I tried really hard not to care what others thought but I failed. I am now so self conscious about my glasses that I only wear them around the house.

Why is it that the person who tries so hard to please people ends up pleasing no one?

my heart goes out

My friend just found out that her seven year old daughter has spina bifida. That was the worst email I've ever had to read, as I'm sure it was the worst one she's ever had to write. I'm at a loss for words. Reading that email brought back so many memories and emotions from when Jake was born and everything we've been through since that wonderful and scary day. This has rekindled my interest in putting my experiences of raising a child with spina bifida into words. I started a blog called Raising Jake a while ago. I had planned to start our story, his story, from the day I found out I was carrying a child with spina bifida to present. A huge project to say the least. I think the reason I haven't done anything with this blog is mainly because I'm afraid to let those feelings and fears resurface. Just thinking about it, I remember the smells, the sounds, and the tightness in my throat. I remember sitting in the doctor's office after the conclusive ultrasound clenching my teeth, blinking wildly, and breathing irregularly just to hold back the tears. I remember thinking "Not me, this can't be happening to me and certainly not to my baby". I imagine that is how my friend feels right now. Even though I've been through it with Jacob, I feel like I don't know what to do for her. I don't know what to say or how to act. Part of me wants to say I'm sorry even though I know from being in her shoes that the words "I'm sorry" hurt. Bad.

My heart is aching all over again.

jake update

We went to spina bifida clinic today for Jacob's 6mo check up. Thankfully, we got nothing but good news today. Everything looks great and there are no surgeries on the books in the near future. We are truly thankful. We have to return for a urodynamics study in the next couple weeks but expect this to be a routine check. While we were there we were able to switch his bedtime medication to a capsule that we'll break open and sprinkle on his food. He had been on a liquid but the flavor of this medication is famously strong and hard to choke down. It was making Jacob gag, cry, and come up with some pretty interesting excuses to get out of taking it. Not to mention how hard bedtime had become.

sending some love

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mommies out there. More importantly a special "thank you" to all the Moms I have grown to love and respect. I don't know what I would do with out you guys. Thank you for listening to me complain, offer advice when I need it, support me, pick me up when I'm down, and most of all thanks for being you!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

what i've been up to:

I've been busy making invites for Livi's first birthday. I'm pretty happy with how they came out except for the fact that I can't make a pretty bow to save my soul. It's pretty pathetic actually. I found it kind of relaxing to craft something. It was a nice change of pace for me and I haven't been able to do anything creative in a long time. Here's a sample:

The color scheme works is perfect because I bought Olivia and Madison dresses from Gymboree around Easter time that are brown, pink, and cream. Because it was so cold on Easter, I didn't end up putting them in the dresses but promised Chris that I didn't waste the money and would find another use for them. I just didn't want to return them because they really are beautiful dresses. We plan to bring the kids to get their pictures taken this week so I'm going to do one for Olivia's first birthday while we're there. I plan to put her in the dress and use the pictures for the thank you cards. I wonder if that is enough "use" for Chris?! :)

I can't believe my little Livi Bug is going to be 1.

Stupid BMI

I went to the doctor today to get a copy of my immunization record and have my TB test read. While I'm sitting there on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, I notice a strategically placed BMI chart. I placed on finger on my weight and another on my height and traced the two until they met...in the "overweight" section. I swear that chart was made by a skinny bitch. Seriously, I was probably my ideal weight freshman year in high school, when I hardly ate much of anything. Now that I've had three kids, my "ideal" weight is anything that doesn't offend others. Thanks for a great start to my awesome day of "what the hell".

And just to add to my wonderful day: my teeth hurt. Chris and I went and got our first invisalign retainers today. It sounded like a good idea at the time - not so much anymore. I have to say that this might be the key to loosing all that baby weight since it's such a pain to eat anything. The first three attempts at eating today failed miserably because I couldn't get the stupid retainers out.

Here's the updates:

Olivia had her weight check yesterday. Looks like formula is working for her, a little. She's only gained 1 1/2 lbs and still occupies the same spot on the growth chart - around 5th percentile. She's just a peanut. I tried telling the pediatrician this at our last appointment when he demanded that I stop breastfeeding right then and there. He didn't listen. Instead, he made me feel like a horrible mother and a failure. As he was explaining the chart to me and where she stood at present, he said "looks like we just have a little one on our hands". Duh. Whatever dude. You just ruined a perfectly good and comfortable nursing relationship between me and my last baby and all you have to say is that I was right in the first place. Makes me want to cry.

As for Project Organization, we're done. Well almost. We skipped the basement since we really can't do anything down there until the termites vacate the premises. We expect to be able to organize down there by the end of next month. It feels really good to have a clean and organized house.

We're also in the process of signing Jacob up for a little league challenge team for children with disabilities. He is the biggest sports fan ever. He has been bugging me to sign him up for baseball, basketball, and soccer for the longest time. I haven't been able to find anything that he can play until recently. It breaks my heart as a mother to know that he'll never get a chance to play the sports he loves like the other kids. I'm still on the hunt for a wheelchair basketball team since his chair will be in soon but I haven't been able to find anything around here. I just want to see him happy, proud of himself and his accomplishments. He truly is my hero.

What a crazy post.